Never Drop Your Guard

If you have followed my blog concerning my personal dealings with substance abuse and two of my sons, then you would see one of success and one of failure. I have not added to my blog for some time as the younger son who was five years in successful recovery, was doing well. He had a good job, met his fiancé and became a father to a beautiful baby boy. As they, life was good.

He and his fiancé were preparing to move back to Maryland. Both were from the Maryland area and Florida no longer was that appealing. They missed the mountains and cooler weather that was absent in Florida.  He had turned in his notice of leaving his position as a Behavioral Health Technician and was preparing to move when he had a serious automobiles accident that resulted in several fractures to his hip and multiple bumps and bruises. He was nursed back to the point where he was able to make the move although the pain had not lessened.

The family managed to move back to Maryland and he sought a pain management specialist to help provide some relief. I have to really blame my son at this point in that he did not confess that he was a recovering addict. The doctor prescribed acetaminophen and oxycodone to help deal with pain. Before long he realized he was becoming addicted and elected to enter the detox facility where he had worked. After a short stay he returned to his job in Maryland and seemed to be doing well. At least that was the impression the family had at the time.

A year or so later he and his family planned to move to South Carolina. His fiancé’s family was located there. Housing costs and the general cost of living was significantly higher in Maryland than South Carolina. A week before the move was to take place, my son sat down with his family here and confessed that he had been on street drugs since he had left the detox facility almost a year before. He had tried to self-medicate but as with most was not successful. The pain had become a lesser problem because he was working and the movement helped erase the pain. What was not erased was the need for opioids.

Again, because he knew from years of recovery that he needed help. He was admitted to a rehab facility for a twenty-eight-day period. With all the background knowledge we had from the past, twenty-eight days would not address the steps needed for successful recovery. While he was in the rehab facility, his fiancé and his son completed the move to South Carolina. He knew what steps were needed. He needed a new sponsor, to start the steps again, and start an outpatient program. Basically, he needed to start over again from ground zero. He was admitted to an outpatient program in South Carolina to start this part of his recovery. This is where things stand at the moment.

The reason for updating my blog is only to remind each of us who deal with loved ones having substance abuse problems, that this disease never rests. One episode or trigger may result in a relapse. It’s so difficult to understand why someone who can be successful for a long period of time, falls victim. I know I read years back that ninety plus percent of those having substance abuse will relapse. Knowing this it should not have surprised me. The main lesson here is that we have to be aware that this can happen. We also need to believe that those victims with a good bit of clean time will know what they have to do without your suggestions. It will help both the one addicted and those around them if each realizes what addiction is and what our role is for successful recovery. You can really do no more than support the victims and pray that they have the strength and willingness to make this most difficult journey back to recovery.




Traditional vs Crosstalk Meetings

There is a new issue entering into the regional organization of NAR-ANON what members may or may not desire in terms of meetings. Myself, I have attended both traditional and crosstalk meetings. The crosstalk meetings are not nearly as common but for my part much more to the point.

Doing the Twelve Steps or Twelve Traditions is something the group member would practice themselves. People coming to the meeting for the first time are looking for immediate help. Many are desperate and have the burning desire to find help. Again, I’ve seen over the years that suggestions from a crosstalk meeting emphasize the importance of moving swiftly in obtaining help or it may be a case of whether or not to have the addict return home. These are only two of a host of issues that may have bearing on the next step in addressing how those directly involved with someone dealing with substance abuse. The more deeply you become in trying to understand addiction, the more you become aware that the path to recovery is extremely difficult not only for the addict but for those caring for recovery. They may have to accept relapse as a strong possibility. There may be times of total disgust and the feeling that all hope is lost.

A crosstalk meeting is not like a traditional meeting. Those attending have in some cases years of dealing with the ups and downs of substance abuse. Group members may have similar experiences and can express suggestions based on their own experience. The suggestion may or may not be helpful but the fact that others have gone through what you are going through is helpful in knowing you’re not alone in meeting these difficult times. Actual real-life stories of what the group members have encountered may in fact provide aid to your times of total loss. You hear stories of success after years of members attending the meetings and over time finding solutions to the many triggers the addict may encounter on the road to recovery.

You have to collect helpful tools much the same as the addict to address how to continue to gain strength and work through whatever the obstacle. Support is vital to both parties.For myself, if you have followed my blog, you will see how important crosstalk was to me in terms of my youngest son and his addiction. We were very fortunate. We listened intently to the suggestions offered and in fact made every effort to take the suggestions and put them into motion. I cannot say our story is the result of the crosstalk meeting but it was a very important factor on how we approached every hurdle that came up. Thirty days of detox we were ready to bring him home. At the suggestion of the group, we contacted the faculty and expressed that he could not you see so return. The facility has an obligation to find another group that deals with rehab. In our case they decided on a facility in Florida that a good success rate of recovery and flee him there. Eighteen months later of IOP (intensive outpatient program) and OP (outpatient) and he was released from the program. He went on to establish residency in Florida, find work and he and another client who had the same amount of clean timeset up residence in a condo in West Palm. He accepted a job at a detox facility as a driver and BHT (Behavior Health Technician). After two years or so he found a fiancé and both decided to return to their home area. I believe the job in the detox is distressful as he saw relapse some many times and the total disinterest in trying to make any effort to regain sobriety. The same held true for his roommate who worked in a rehab who also became distressed at the daily misery he encountered. Listening to their stories of daily happenings made it evident that these were burn out jobs. There are those of course who can deal with what the job requires but, in their case, they were read y to move on. Each having almost five years of sobriety their continued success of staying clean looked very ensuring.

I understand the reasoning of the NAR-ANON regional program but I believe that AA and NA have realized society changes taking place have moved towards more spiritual thinking. The individual is provided the tools such as the Twelve Steps or the Big Book. There is so much more involved with dealing with your needs and those of the one addicted. A crosstalk meeting takes the place of the “meeting after the meeting “which is where the real search for answers may be found. Someone attending a Traditional meeting may not find anything useful to their immediate need and seek help elsewhere when in fact there is wealth of information in the Crosstalk group that may help all concerned. The same holds true at the Traditional meeting but it is difficult for a first-time attendee to talk to strangers during or after the meeting. Hearing the members discussing their situations encourages them to come back.




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Detachment / Attachment

The subject of detachment was brought up at the NAR-ANON meeting. I listened to the attendees discuss what role detachment from their addict presented to their lives. As I listened, I thought back to when I first attended a meeting and where was I at that time. For the most part I felt detached before even hearing the phrase. I had previously spent many years dealing with substance abuse with one of my other sons who succumbed to the disease. Now with a second son addicted to heroin, having already decided in my mind that this was nothing more than a weakness, anger resulted in detachment. His absence from my life as well as family while he was an active user as well as when he passed only heightened the anger of what he had done to his life and the family and friends. I looked at it as a total waste of God given talents.
No doubt this entire belief wreaks of someone who was a poor father who lacked love and understanding. I never felt that way but I’ll let the higher power make judgement.
This disease drains the emotions and any clear thinking of what the addict them self is experiencing. At some point, I believe it was when we left the second son at the detox facility far from home, I decided that having lost one son to drugs and alcohol I was not going to stand by and loose another without an all-out attempt to understand what the disease was about and what if anything we can as parents, spouses or friends do to try and return both the addict and yourself to normalcy in life. The task is huge for all concerned. It takes strength, fortitude, a will to live and above all enormous love and support. I have to be honest to myself that even practicing all the above drugs such as heroin or any controlled substance can still win the battle. We need to understand that the battle is lifelong. You need to be prepared for failures or relapse. This does not mean all is lost. Many recovering addicts have relapsed numerous times but found strength to enter back into the battle. This is where our part comes in with love and support. If we understand addiction, we will be more apt to provide the fundamental need the addict needs to be successful. I don’t believe overcoming addiction is an independent challenge. Successful recovering addicts know that a combination of things is needed. Not only, love and support, their sponsor, meetings, the “steps” and a great deal of prayer will help provide the strength necessary.
For myself I kept a daily journal of my feelings and those of my son in rehab. We both began to understand the feelings and emotions each of us had during his eighteen months in rehab. I attended NA, AA and NAR-ANON meeting. I met many of those active addicts going thru this with him. At the same time, I listened the heartaches of so many parents, spouses and friends of active addicts. Success stories were few and far between. I decided after his eighteen months in rehab to author this blog as a way of continuing my growth in understanding substance abuse. I met many people who were directly associated with addiction such as counselors, sponsors, physicians, and mentors in some fashion. I even elected to do a podcast on the Mental NewsRadio Network with a successful physician in Florida who has help so many and researches new and innovative approaches in aiding substance abuse. I enrolled in a Recovery Coach class sponsored by the health department to learn more of what I might do to get directly involved.
I guess what I’m saying is for me detachment led to attachment. All this investigation created a strong bond not only with my son in active recovery but for my son who had succumbed to the disease. The more knowledge I gained of addiction the more understanding I gained of what each son experienced. One has managed active recovery for five years next month. The other spent years of ups and downs and turmoil throughout his life until his death. Understanding and searching for answers eliminated years of anger and frustration for me and at the same time sadness and guilt for the detachment in both cases. I understand detaching and the need for it but at the same time the greater need to do all you can to save someone you love.

Now the Pain

My son entered the detox facility in Florida for treatment in hopes of eliminating the need for pain medicine following his earlier car accident. After a week of treatment, he returned home. The craving for pain medication was eliminated but what was not was the pain. Rather than return to the pain management physician, he elected to seek out an orthopedic specialist. He was given pain medication (Gabapentin)during detox but the side effects were horrible. The specialist was helpful in explaining what was to be expected in terms of time and healing and suggested a number of things he could do excluding narcotics. To date he seems to be regaining his ability to function as he did before the accident. I think because he now knows what to expect and how to manage the pain, he seems much better physically and mentally. Coming off any type of narcotics is difficult. It can be difficult to withdraw from even some over the counter medication or drugs not considered as habit forming but are in fact are habitual. I myself have had problems sleeping for years and have tried numerous prescribed medications to help. Trying to wheen yourself from something that seems to eliminate your problem is just another form of addiction.

One thing has become evident. I learned from this incident that substance abuse, drug addiction, whatever you choose to call it, is a lifetime battle. My son and I discussed this a number of times as he went through eighteen months of rehab. All of the meetings that I’ve attended, articles I’ve read, people I’ve spoken with, only confirm what recovering addicts know. It is a lifetime disease. Recovering addicts know the danger and hopefully are able to make the right decisions with the help of their sponsor, friends and belief in a higher power. All of us at one time or another need to reach out.
Support is essential.

As a side note, I sought more information on relapse after this incident. Having five years of sobriety in about a month, the idea of relapse causes grief to all those involved. Most would consider this as a relapse. The belief is that NA would consider this as a relapse but after discussion and help from a physician in Florida who works with addicted patients, I read a pamphlet “In Times of Illness” from NA that explains their position on a number of illnesses and their belief. It is well worth reading if you believe a relapse has occurred. It helped me and many that I’ve spoken with that the definition of relapse has certain criteria that may not be evident. For those of us and the addict themselves, that worry a relapse has occurred, the information in this pamphlet may help aid us.

One More Fork in the Road

My youngest son, now nearly five years in active recovery has met one of the hardest challenges for a recovering addict to face. The ability and knowledge to see clearly an ever-present danger that one may meet as they journey the path to recovery. He was fortunate to have multiple years in recovery and realized the weakness so many experiences when faced with the choice of dealing with severe pain or give in to pain medicine in the form of narcotics. We all deal with pain at some point in our life. His came as a result of a serious car accident where he suffered multiple injuries including multiple fractures of the hip. Timing could not have been worse. The accident happened just before he left his job as a Behavior Health Tech at a detox facility in a Florida and was in the process of moving his fiancé and new born son back home. It was time to pack and prepare for the drive from Florida to Maryland. He explained to the physicians that he was a recovering addict and as such would pass on pain medication. There are those who would question this decision and others who fully understand what recovering addicts must face.

The week after the accident it was time to empty the storage unit, pack and prepare for the trip north. Needless to say, the trip was most painful. The entire event only increased the pain and anxiety for him. After several days of trying to cope with all things involved, he elected to seek out a pain management physician for some relief.
He was always against MAT (medical assisted treatment). He believed in the process but not the method which often time included narcotics. Combinations of oxycodone, a narcotic and pain reliever such as acetaminophen are used to help relieve moderate to severe pain. Depending upon the amount of each may act much like a Percocet another addictive drug. The doctor prescribed this medication but never provide a plan on withdrawal.  After three months  my son decides to go “cold turkey” and come off of it. He knew full well what lay ahead and experienced all the suffering that goes with opioid withdrawal. He had worked in a detox facility for over two years and saw this daily. He returned to the doctor for guidance on withdrawing. The suggested path would take more time then he was willing to deal with. His new life with a fiancé and new son was a the main driver to wanting to end this.  He knew the pain involved. He had taken a mild narcotic for three days after a kidney stone occurrence and even then, felt issues. Now he was confronted with a much more powerful narcotic combination that he had been on for three months. He believed from the beginning that the use of this drug would mean severe withdrawal but pain was driving choice. After the last visit to the pain medicine physician he decided it was time to reach out and consult with the family as to whether he might return to Florida and enter a detox facility in hopes that with proper care and the right method of treatment he might eliminate this crisis in short time. With proper care and the right treatment, he might gain complete withdrawal from the narcotics. The pain would still be there but far easier to handle than the withdrawal he was experiencing every moment in a day.

He contacted the facility where he worked and was granted a scholarship if need be help so that he could receive the care he had seen daily while working there. He had gained a great deal of knowledge of detox and rehab facilities over the last five years and felt where he worked was one of the more reputable and successful. He was so very fortunate that the management and some of his former supervisors understood the situation and were more than willing to help him regain his total recovery. I’m not sure you consider this as a relapse as he was under a doctor’s care using drugs prescribed. He has been reluctant to seek employment because of the drugs involved and this too added more stress.

He has always been very good at explaining addiction. He knows it’s not just taking something like Suboxone to relive the desire or need. There are a host of side effects that you deal with and you will need the help of nurses or aids.  It is possible total withdrawal can be achieved in a few days to a week or so. In his mind this path is far superior to the gradual weaning. The pain and suffering are only prolonged with tapering the amount of drug intake. I believe that most who have been in recovery for an extended time and meet this type of situation know and hope they can make this choice rather than the subject themselves to a lengthy voyage back to total recovery.

We hope as he does even more that choosing to attack this obstacle  quickly will prove to be the right choice for anyone suffering from substance abuse.

Recovery Stories

I don’t think there’s s great need to discuss or describe the negative side of substance abuse. Social media and our own personal stories more than fill our minds with the horror and sadness resulting from active addiction. When we first become a part of the disease it is difficult to see much hope that the outcome will be good. Initially, we are lost on cause or solutions. We stumble around looking for answers and hoping that this whole thing is a nightmare and that we will wake up and no longer be there. Before we give up all hope, we might try and see that in fact, not is all lost.
There are so many stories of recovery where the one addicted as well as those connected in some way go on to have wonderful useful lives. Many go on to become educated useful men and women. The problem is that these successful stories are hidden beneath the daily headline’s resultant from the opioid epidemic and the lives lost. It appears the battle goes on and the outcome for your active addict is grim.
How can one find these successful achievements and the paths taken to move to the recovery world? As parents of addict children, we seek answers and understanding thru any means possible. It may be thru meetings, news articles, books, blogs, podcasts, etc. This is necessary to try and put some focus in our lives and help and help make rational decisions for the benefit of our addict and ourselves.
What I’ve found is that as we seek answers, we start to find stories of successful recovery. From my own standpoint in the beginning the successful stories were small in number. I still was exposed more to failure and relapse than recovery. After years of traveling the journey to recovery with my son and some of his close companions also active in addiction, I started to look at those grim stories from a different perspective. My thoughts no longer saw hopelessness but rather the collection of successful stories I had come across as I continued to try and understand substance abuse. As I would go to new avenues for learning, I found that searching topics on successful recovery rather that of the lost souls and failures, helped minimize despair. I also believe that as we got better, our son got better. There is a continuing search for answers to helping us to recovery in any way possible. We have found from our initial search for answers that one of the first steps mentioned may in fact be the most helpful. As you get better, the addict will follow. The anger and hurt right from the beginning take away from the goal to save our addict.  We need to understand we both have steps to follow for success. There are general beliefs on what one needs to do but unless we can focus on each of us getting better the journey will be difficult. Constant conflict adds nothing to solving the problem. Understanding and belief in recovery can only help those suffering.

Recharging Your Batteries

The business of substance abuse is not easily dismissed when it enters one’s life. Even when active recovery is achieved, there are moments that will come up that remind us of old behavior. You may have eased some of the stress through your efforts to learn about substance abuse whether through social media, research, meetings or some other avenue. Because this disease is a life long struggle, there may be times where one needs to return to those measures that provided help to cope with behavior dealt with during periods of active addiction. It’s difficult to shove aside all the chaos that surfaced throughout the struggle for you as well as the one suffering from the disease. Those in active recovery know full well that it is a life long struggle to be maintained. The same holds true for those of us that dealt with the heartache and stress due to someone we love and care about. There will be times when we need to revisit the tools that helped us with the struggle so that we can once again find trust in the user and peace in our own lives. It may be returning to a meeting to vent suspicions or as simple as reading an article that helped in your understanding of substance abuse. In some ways the idea of recharging your batteries goes hand in hand with avoiding the rabbit holes.

Behavioral issues are normally associated with children but I’ve seen in many cases with families discussing family members dealing with active addiction the problems continue into adulthood. Drugs to help depression, attention deficit, bipolar disorder and a host of other mental issues seem to be part of the path to sobriety. Attacking the drug of choice seems only part of approach. It’s no wonder substance abuse is a life long struggle, knowing all the elements involved. Regaining sobriety involves healing of the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual parts of the body. I believe understanding the struggle for those suffering substance abuse will increase the chances of success for both the user and those of us trying to grasp our part in the healing process. Our part in the successful continued sobriety of the family member, or someone we care about is to monitor our feelings and if we seem doubtful at times to make an effort ensure ourselves these feelings will pass.

Jumping the Rabbit Hole

No matter the length of time of active recovery the reappearing “rabbit hole “never seems dormant. Just as the one struggling to maintain sobriety stays focused, those affected directly or indirectly must struggle throughout as well. The human and spiritual emotions have been severely damaged when substance abuse and mental disorders are introduced into our everyday lives. We are not prepared nor understand how to face this abrupt hurt from someone we love and care about. Years of love and care are as if they never existed. The first thought is that we can mend this hurt in some manner but before long we see we lack the tools needed. At this point, it’s seems best to take our own journey to saving any part of what was before this daemonic force entered into our lives.

Even with multiple years of active recovery on the part of the user, the reappearing “rabbit hole can surface from time to time. Over time the hole will become smaller but until then we have to avoid falling into the hole but rather find a means to jump over it. Even very minor events during the initial recovery can trigger thoughts of behavior as it was during active addiction. We are unguarded as everything is still in somewhat of a chaos based on the hardships and heartaches up to this point. After years of lies and failures it is easily seen how those caring so much may fear a return to active addiction.

I myself have a number of times started toward the “rabbit hole” without fully understanding just how easy it is to persuade yourself that failure is always present. Trust has always been difficult to regain in so many situations aside from addiction, but addiction seems to be much slower in terms of healing. I think we learn along with the one in recovery that complacency must be avoided at all cost. My son, having multiple years of active recovery is quick to point out that the battle will be there for him the rest of his life. As such, I must realize he knows this and as such I must accept that I must learn this as well. I need to see clearly his strength in acknowledging that he battles the “rabbit holes “each and every day. I must do the same. Several times over the years I’ve found myself, as a parent or spouse would, seeing what are sure triggers. The disagreements come out in our conversations and even so we end up with a ‘I love you”. I’ve found this last phrase has saved me from returning to doubt or disbelief. I go back after a few minutes and return to the conversation and apologize for my own failure to believe he is already so much stronger having fought this disease. He apologizes as well knowing we both are traveling together. As he has told me many times unless I was an actual addict I will never fully understand. I believe this completely. I’ve seen it so many times that chasing rabbits adds nothing to the path to sobriety.

I wish it was a simple task to jump the rabbit hole. It is not, but time and belief that your addict has much more knowledge of what addiction is and what pitfalls surround his or her daily living will become part of your own journey. The triggers presented to your active user or active recovering addict cannot be controlled by your thoughts. Prayers will always help but realizing the actual escape from the “rabbit hole” is the sole obligation of the user who has the tools needed. In recovery the user has hopefully been taught how to deal with the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual parts of these frail bodies.
Accepting and understanding how we react to things we cannot control and realizing you are a piece of the journey and your part is believing. The “rabbit holes” may never completely close but over time you may find you can jump many of them

What if the family, neighbors or my co-workers find out?

So many times at meetings concerned with addiction, new attendees state they are reluctant to disclose that their family member has fallen prey to substance abuse. Divulging this information is embarrassing and makes one feel like they did a poor job in raising a child or were the problem behind a spouse or relative. With all the burden and emotions, one carries with living with an active addict, they cannot fathom the idea of being criticized or judge as having contributed to the situation, even though in most cases they were never to blame. I’ve heard so many recovering addicts say that they alone were responsible. In fact, many say they had a wonderful childhood and never faulted their parents or family. It’s too bad that this feeling of guilt seems to immediately come in mind. If ever there is a need for support, matters of substance abuse certainly rise to the top. Even keeping parents on the same page can be difficult if one feels the other contributed to the problem. It cannot be stressed enough that support is a major step in the journey to sobriety.

Because my family had already traveled the journey to recovery and lost, we had no hesitation in speaking out to anyone asking that our son had fallen victim. No matter who it was, the family members, neighbors and co-workers, when questioned about how was our son, we immediately spoke up that he had become addicted to drugs. Because his battle started years before, there was not an abundant amount of resources or support as today due to the epidemic proportion throughout the country. Reluctance to speak up and reach out was more the choice. Today, I’ve found people immediately responded with sorrow, and sincere wishes that there was hope that he would be okay. Especially today, telling someone your son or daughter has fallen victim to drugs or alcohol, they know how serious the situation. Many have children themselves and because it has become so prevalent, there is a deep concern. They seem to join in the journey with you. They ask how he or she is doing, and hope he or she continues to continue to sobriety. They also want to know what steps you’ve taken. They want to collect as much firsthand information about addiction, knowing full well that their son or daughter may also become a victim. In a way it’s very helpful not only to you but to them as well to try and learn and understand all they can. Their concern and support help you. They contribute meaningful information they’ve found through social media or some actual happening in their own life. The more we can find out about this epidemic the better our understanding of what should we expect and how to deal with it.

In fact, I have found that most of those around you have some suspicion that there is a problem. You become reluctant to do the normal things you’ve done in the past. You’re quiet and avoid conversations with family and friends feeling that you might slip and let what you think is a secret come forth in the discussion. This addiction business consumes you day and night. It’s very difficult not show the stress involved with the daily heartache. If the one using drugs or alcohol or both as in many cases is in the house, things become even more evident. With the addict in the house the turmoil is consistent and takes its toll on those living with it. If the user has been sent away, in a facility or you have no idea where he or she is, the family and neighbors will no doubt ask about the absence. No matter how hard you try, the truth will eventually surface.

I’ve seen it again and again that people understand. They do not criticize or look down on you but rather sympathize with your situation. Most know full well that the next victim might be in their own family and most are grateful that they have escaped this tragedy. As no real answer has come forth as to why someone decides to choose this road or how to prevent it, we all realize the danger. There are steps that one can follow to make recovery successful but even those cannot guarantee active recovery and for how long. As long as this epidemic continues, there will be those that would rather bury the problem out of sight.

The bottom line or suggestion would be to be open about your crisis. It removes one more emotion you have to deal with. You have enough issues and in fact you may find your openness provides relief. Venting is essential to keep you from jumping overboard. Feedback can be helpful and if nothing more that understanding helps keep you focused. You’re not expected to rush out the door and tell the world you have a son or daughter that is using. The thought here is that there is benefit to sharing your troubles with others who care about you and yours. If they truly do care, they will be another source of support.

Apologizing- Steps 8 &9

It is apparent the stage of apologizing is very meaningful in the journey to sobriety to those who care dearly about the one addicted. Steps eight and nine address the issue clearly. It seems this is a condition those hurt need to hear to help their own healing. It’s as if that without a sincere apology for the hurt, recovery is still considered a work in progress.

Having spent much time with both sides of addiction listening and learning each time, attending meetings or having conversations with parents, loved one or those addicted certain points come up repeatedly. Steps eight and nine dealing with the apology seem ever present. Both sides have placed certain conditions to its meaning and how to deal with it. An apology seems simple enough to say you’re sorry but seems so difficult to express or accept from those hurt. There are certain qualifiers that seem associated again from both sides.

As example, those addicted must deal with the difficult part of the apology; namely, that you will not let it happen again. Statistics show that most abusers will fail in trying to regain sobriety, so when this happens many times unfortunately, those hurt cannot believe there is true sorrow. Unless the user feels confident in himself or herself that they can succeed in staying clean many will hesitate or put aside an apology. Relapse after relapse creates doubt in those who are truly sorry but know their weakness. They know there is still work to be done.

Substance abuse has no simple solution for any forward motion including sorrow. Self-esteem and shame enter the picture as well. I’ve been to NA meetings and heard those in active recovery explain that they were not ready yet. In many instances the user has apologized multiple times with every intention of mending his or her life but lacks the strength to reach out for help and continue this difficult journey. I have also met with users who are truly sorry but cannot for some reason say the words to those hurt. Admission that you hurt someone who loves and cares for you, would be admitting the inability understand or control one’s emotions. Self-esteem and shame appear to be the main culprits that hamper many people not only those addicted but most of us. It’s a human frailty. It takes a strong person to admit the hurt they caused and an equal amount to forgive.

Our son for whatever reason decided to pick his one-year anniversary to apologize to me. Some moments stick in your head and one can recall almost everything connected to that moment. I believe because I tried earnestly to gain knowledge of substance abuse throughout his first year of sobriety, the apology was meaningful. Many of the deflectors were not present in his journey. His older brother had succumbed to drugs and alcohol. There are guides to help one succeed in recovery. This was his first time through. He had a sponsor, home group and attended meetings regularly. He was a seeker, searching for his spiritual being. These things provide aid to both sides. The user feels more confident and those hurt see a serious attempt to mend one’s life. Knowing that the one with the substance abuse is following the aids suggested for active recovery is a benefit for all those involved.

On the last Sunday of the month, he and his sponsor’s home group celebrate the year and multiple years’ clean awards. The original plan was for us to be there for his actual one-year anniversary on the fourteenth of November. I was to present his pin. I’m not sure he understood about the anniversary meeting, when we made the reservations earlier this year. The actual pin was awarded by the home group, at the end of the month. We had made reservations to be there the actual anniversary date and had returned home before the actual ceremony.

Instead, his sponsor would present his award and then he was to speak to a packed audience on his one-year journey. He had rehearsed what he wanted to say with his sponsor several times before the meeting but his anxiety only increased.

He called the following day while I was grocery shopping. After an hour and half, I found my own emotions going rampant. He explained the evening’s activity and how he was in tears after listening to his sponsor talk about how he had become like a brother and even his sponsor teared as he spoke about meeting his parents. I’m listening to what he saying and found myself in the middle of the store tearing. It was obvious a night of heightened emotions. I explained I’m glad his sponsor, was there to present as I’m not sure I could have presented it myself without a breakdown. He felt I could have but it would have been different. His sponsor, who is usually more laid back would be that way when presenting and when he decided to take the serious approach, our son was caught off guard. He felt with the apology from me would have been that this is my son and I’m very proud. I would explain to the audience of having lost a son after eighteen years of addiction and how the son in active recovery gave me a second chance to understand and help him in his journey. This whole conversation was gut wrenching and I was becoming a mess in the aisle putting the frozen food back that had started to thaw.

We recently found a letter from my other son, who succumbed to drugs and alcohol. In the letter, he explains that when he was sober and could think clearly realized how much damage he has done to the family and how sorry he was for the hurt caused. This apology was sincere, written clearly (not his usual unreadable scrawl) and also very heartbreaking. Self-esteem was never his problem. He spent most of his life in and out of detox and rehab facilities as well as jail. Looking back now and having a better understanding of addiction, I see he meant well, was full of shame, but lacked the immense determination needed to fight this disease.

These are difficult situations and no doubt will continue as we continue the journey. There are good stories. My other son, now four year in active recovery, mentioned how his emotions heightened as a father presented his son with a twenty-five-year token. He could not describe the look and hugs between the two. It is definitely a journey for all concerned and the apology as well as forgiveness’s only make it more immense.

Many will never hear those word or relish those emotions. It’s a battle for both sides. Keeping love and understanding as part of the journey may enhance the chances.